The Transgender Dictionary

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Ally

Table of Contents

Introduction

Allies are people who are not a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, but are still supportive of the community. If you are an ally, this means that you are cisgender, heteroromantic, heterosexual, and supportive of anyone who is not. While I absolutely invite allies to browse through this website and use it as a resource for learning about The Transgender Community, please know that the primary target audience of this website is transgender people. If you are struggling to understand something, relevant pages are typically linked throughout The Transgender Dictionary, simply click on any underlined words to be led to the appropriate page with further information.

This page in particular? This one is targeted directly allies, or anyone trying to be one. Be you a parent, a healthcare worker, or just someone curious as to what transgender people are, this page is targeted towards you.

If you've ever been told by a transgender person "it's not my job to educate you," you might be a little bit offended. Rightfully so, you might even think. What harm can there be in just asking questions? You just want to satisfy your own curiosity. Here's the thing though. Your "one innocent question"? Chances are that that transgender person has been asked that exact same question a hundred times over. Can you imagine being asked the same question over and over again just because no one seems to understand what, to you, is a mundane piece of information.

If every stranger you met asked you how and why the color of you eyes are the color that you are, you'd probably get sick of having to explain the chemical makeup of your own eyeballs over and over again. Especially if every stranger had a 50% chance of shouting at you, harassing you, or telling you that your eyeballs couldn't possibly exist after listening to your tedious explanation. Well, here is your explanation on what transgender people are, and how to be a good ally.

General Information

Transgender Women & Girls

Very broadly speaking, a transgender woman is woman who was assigned male at birth (amab) and grows up being seen as and treated like a man. If a transgender women comes out as transgender, this means that she has revealed to other people that she is a woman. If a transgender woman remains in the closet, then this means that she is not revealing to anyone that she is a woman, and is instead pretending to be a man. Sometimes, this is called "boymoding." A transgender woman who is "stealth" is a woman whom strangers cannot tell is transgender unless she tells them. This can typically be done through medically and legally transitioning.

Socially transitioning can be done at any age and is reversible. A very young transgender girl exploring her gender identity may socially transition. This typically consists of the girl using she/her pronouns, choosing a feminine name, wearing feminine clothing, and assuming the social position (daughter, sister, niece, etc) of a girl. For older transgender girls and women, tucking is a common practice to promote gender euphoria.

Medically transitioning is extremely limited for early adolescent girls. While most transgender girls are fully aware of their identities at a very young age, it is always important to make sure that a girl is absolutely sure before choosing which puberty to go through. Puberty blockers are a safe, reversible medication that is used to pause puberty. An early adolescent transgender girl has the option of taking this medication to avoid undergoing male puberty, as well as have the opportunity to discuss her feelings regarding her gender identity with a gender therapist (a doctor who specializes in helping someone discuss their gender identity and figure it out). If it turns out that the child is not transgender, then he can stop taking puberty blockers, and move on with his life.

More commonly, if it turns out that the girl is transgender, then she has the opportunity to start gender affirming hormone therapy (gaht). Both older adolescent girls, as well as women are able to undergo gaht.

GAHT has many feminizing effects, but it does not alter the voice. If a woman did not have the opportunity to take puberty blockers as a child, she will have to either try voice training or undergo voice feminization surgery to achieve a deeper voice. Voice training can be done at any age, however most transgender surgeries require that the patient be at least 18 years of age (though some exceptions may be made if the patient is an older adolecent with well-documented gender dysphoria). Voice training can be difficult, and not every woman wants surgery done on her vocal cords. For these reasons (and sometimes, due to personal preference) not every transgender woman, even if she has undergone other forms of transition, will have the most feminine-sounding voice.

Other surgical transition, such as bottom surgery, facial feminization surgeries, or top surgery can be done for women seeking further gender-affirmation than what hormones can provide.

Legal transition can take place at any age. This is where a transgender woman has her legal documents changed to reflect her correct name and gender identity. Transmisogyny is a type of transphobia that typically affects transgender women.

Transgender Men & Boys

Very broadly speaking, a transgender man is a man who was assigned female at birth (afab) and grows up being seen as and treated like a woman. If a transgender man comes out as transgender, this means that he has revealed to other people that he is a man. If a transgender man is closeted, this means that he is not revealing to anyone that he is a man. If a transgender man is "stealth," this means that strangers cannot tell that he is transgender, unless reveals this piece of information himself.

Socially transitioning can be done at any age and is reversible. A very young transgender boy exploring his gender identity may socially transition. This typically consists of the boy using he/him pronouns, choosing a masculine name, wearing masculine clothing, and assuming the social position (son, brother, nephew, etc) of a boy. For older transgender boys and men, packing is commonly practiced to promote gender euphoria.

Medically transitioning is extremely limited for early adolescent boys. While most transgender boys are fully aware of their identities at a very young age, it is always important to make sure that a boy is absolutely sure before choosing which puberty to go through. Puberty blockers are a safe, reversible medication that is used to pause puberty. An early adolescent transgender boy has the option of taking this medication to avoid undergoing female puberty, as well as having the opportunity to discuss his feelings regarding his gender identity with a gender therapist (a doctor who specializes in helping someone discuss their gender identity and figure it out). If it turns out that the child is not transgender, then she can stop taking puberty blockers and move on with her life.

More commonly, if it turns out that the boy is transgender, then he has the opportunity to start gender affirming hormone therapy (gaht). Both older adolescent boys, as well as men, are able to undergo gaht.

GAHT has many masculinizing effects, but it does not get rid of breasts. If a man did not have the opportunity to take puberty blockers as a child, then he will have to either bind or undergo top surgery. Binding can be done at any age (though it is not done until the boy has already developed breasts that need to be bound), however most transgender surgeries require that the patient be at least 18 years of age (though some exceptions may be made if the patient is an older adolecent with well-documented gender dysphoria).

Other surgical transition, such as bottom surgery, can be done for men seeking further gender-affirmation. Surgeries such as voice masculinization surgery and facial masculinization surgery are sometimes practiced, though less commonly compared to their transfeminine counterparts.

Legal transition can take place at any age. This is where a transgender man has his legal documents changed to reflect his correct name and gender identity. Transandrophobia is a type of transphobia that typically affects transgender men.

Asking Questions

Genitalia Questions

A good rule of thumb in civilized society is that you should not talk about a stranger's genitalia. If you suggest that a person is transgender, and you want to know if they have a vulva or a penis - don't ask! If you want to know how a transgender person has sex, and you are not planning on having sex with that person - don't ask! If you're not a medical care provider having a conversation with a transgender patient, then you probably have no reason whatsoever to ask a transgender person personal and intimate details regarding their transition and any sugeries that they may or may not have had.

The following questions are generally considered rude, impolite, or straight-up transphobic.

Basically, if you wouldn't ask the question to someone who is cisgender, don't ask the question to someone who is transgender. If you really want to know more about surgeries and procedures relating to transgender people, that is what this website is intended to do. Stop asking random people all these questions about transgender topics. Most trans people understand that they're trans and want to transition, look up what they need to look up to do that, and then move on with their lives. Not every random transgender person can tell you (or wants to have a discussion about) the intricacies of every single historical event, transgender-related surgery, or whatever else it is that your question is about.

Parents

If your preteen child comes out to you as transgender, you're probably not going to have much of a conversation about genitalia (outside of making sure that your child knows the correct and anotomical words to refer to having a vulva or a penis, as you would with any child regardless of gender, once that child is old enough to be able to name and identify body parts). If you have a young child who is identifying as transgender, try seeking out a gender therapist and/or puberty blockers as appropriate. The transition of a young child mostly consists of social transition; changing name, pronouns, clothing, and hair.

If your teenage child comes out to you as transgender, it is ok to ask if your child want is interested in a packer or a gaff, or maybe if they want to have certain surgeries in the future, but do not make the entire conversation revolve around their genitals. Chances are that your kid is more interested in a binder & HRT or breast forms & hrt than having a conversation with you about preffered genitalia appearance.
(Author's Note: When I was around 14 or 15 and discussed not being a woman with my mother, her entire focus was on whether or not I wanted to have a penis, which was the least of my concerns at the time. Top of hers, apparently. I was incredibly grateful when that stopped.)

Nonbinary Questions

The best and easiest way you can support a nonbinary person in your life is to simply use whatever they tell you are their preferred name and pronouns.

Don't make a big deal about that person being nonbinary (unless they're making a big deal about it themself). Nonbinary people are, well, people. Nonbinary people shouldn't be singled out and be treated like a spectacle simply because they chose to customize their gender experience a bit differently than most people.

If you are talking about a nonbinary person with other people who aren't using the proper name and pronouns, correct them on it. Even if the nonbinary person in question isn't there. If the other person seems confused, try explaining it in the terms that the nonbinary person uses for themself. Its not hard to stick up for someone just because they aren't there. A lot of the times, nonbinary people spend a lot of unnecessary time having to explain the basics their identities to other people. If you can help out, go for it.
Note - Do not do that last point if the nonbinary person is closeted and does not want other people knowing about their gender identity.

Pronoun Questions

For more information regarding pronouns and their usage, click on the word pronoun. This section of this page is intended to explain how to be a good ally in terms of using pronouns. Using someone's correct pronouns is one of the simplest and easiest ways in which you can demonstrate that you are an ally and are respectful towards someone's identity.

Chances are that if you are cisgender, you are more likely to make a bigger deal out of pronouns than the hypothetical transgender person that you are talking to. If you accidentally misgender someone, simply apologize and move on. If you are genuinely supportive, just do better in the future. Use the correct pronouns for the trans people in your life. Practice when they aren't present.

There is no need to spend the next several minutes of conversation talking about how "difficult" it is for you to adjust to using a new pronoun because this is all new for you. There is no need to go on and on about how you are not transphobic nor intending to be disrespectful nor trying to cause harm nor doing it on purpose, etc. I would be genuinely surprised to find anyone who wants to hear you ramble on in your own defense over a simple verbal misstep.

If you know someone who uses unconventional neopronouns, try practicing speaking those pronouns on your own time. Trust me when I say that whoever you're talking about will appreciate hearing you pronounce those pronouns correctly.

If you are talking about a transgender or nonbinary person who is not present, try explaining that person's pronouns on their behalf. Chances are that they get tired having to reexplain their pronouns over and over again. If someone is still closeted, but has told you their pronouns or other information regarding being transgender, do not tell other people personal information about their gender, as this can put that person in danger. The only time where it is acceptable to misgender someone is if it is for that person's personal safety. Regardless, avoid introducing anyone using phrases such as "she uses they/them pronouns."

If you encounter someone who does actually use a multi-pronoun set (such as he/it/xe or she/they) then alternate between the different sets of pronouns while referring to that person. You can just pick one of the pronoun sets and only use that set of pronouns to refer to that person, but there is a high chance that that person is used to only hearing one set. Try switching it up when talking to and about that person. There isn't an exact science when it comes to this sort of thing. If you find yourself using one set too often, thrown in another set. Try to use more than one set of pronouns in a sentence if possible. Your efforts will be appreciated.

If you encounter someone who uses any/all pronouns, this rarely means that that person's pronouns are literally "any" and "all." Any/all means that that person uses any and all pronouns without a preference for a particular set. Switch up the pronouns that you use to refer to that person at random, and avoid sticking to one set of pronouns.

If you don't know someone's pronouns, either use they/them until you are corrected, or simply ask. If you know someone's correct pronouns, and those pronouns do not include they/them, it is misgendering to continue using they/them to refer to that person.

Parents

Use the pronouns that your child wishes that you use for them. Practice saying sentences when you are able to. Think about different contexts in which you use gendered words. Think about how you would rephrase them to better suit your transgender child.

If you claim that this is "too hard" because you are just "used to the old pronouns" then you are telling your child that they are not worth the effort of being respected as a human being. If that's the message you're insisted on telling, then fine. Just know that that is what you're doing.