Ally

Introduction

Allies are people who are not a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, but are still supportive of the community. If you are an ally, this means that you are cisgender, heteroromantic, and heterosexual. While I absolutely invite allies to browse through this website and use it as a resource for learning about The Transgender Community, please know that the primary target audience of this website is transgender people.

This page in particular? This one is for allies, or anyone trying to be one.

Genitalia

A good rule of thumb in civilized society is that you should not talk about a stranger's genitalia. If you suggest that a person is transgender, and you want to know if they have a vulva or a penis - don't ask! If you want to know how a transgender person has sex, and you are not planning on having sex with that person - don't ask! If you're not a medical care provider having a conversation with a transgender patient, then you probably have no reason whatsoever to ask a transgender person personal and intimate details regarding their transition and any sugeries that they may or may not have had.

The following questions are generally considered rude, impolite, or straight-up transphobic.

• What's in your pants?
• Did you get The Surgery?
• What do you have?
• So how do you... do it?
• What's your real gender?

Basically, if you wouldn't ask the question to someone who is cisgender, don't ask the question to someone who is transgender.

Parents

If your preteen child comes out to you as transgender, you're probably not going to have much of a conversation about genitalia (outside of making sure that your child knows the correct and anotomical words to refer to having a vulva or a penis, as you would with any child regardless of gender, once that child is old enough to be able to name and identify body parts). If you have a young child who is identifying as transgender, try seeking out a gender therapist and/or puberty blockers as appropriate. The transition of a young child mostly consists of social transition; changing name, pronouns, clothing, and hair.

If your teenage child comes out to you as transgender, it is ok to ask if your child want is interested in a packer or a gaff, or maybe if they want to have certain surgeries in the future, but do not make the entire conversation revolve around their genitals. Chances are that your kid is more interested in a binder & HRT or breast forms & hrt than having a conversation with you about preffered genitalia appearance.
(Author's Note: When I was around 14 or 15 and discussed not being a woman with my mother, her entire focus was on whether or not I wanted to have a penis, which was the least of my concerns at the time. Top of hers, apparently. I was incredibly grateful when that stopped.)

Pronouns

For more information regarding pronouns and their usage, click on the word pronoun. This section of this page is intended to explain how to be a good ally in terms of using pronouns. Using someone's correct pronouns is one of the simplest and easiest ways in which you can demonstrate that you are an ally and are respectful towards someone's identity.

Chances are that if you are cisgender, you are more likely to make a bigger deal out of pronouns than the hypothetical transgender person that you are talking to. If you accidentally misgender someone, simply apologize and move on. If you are genuinely supportive, just do better in the future. Use the correct pronouns for the trans people in your life. Practice when they aren't present.

There is no need to spend the next several minutes of conversation talking about how "difficult" it is for you to adjust to using a new pronoun because this is all new for you. There is no need to go on and on about how you are not transphobic nor intending to be disrespectful nor trying to cause harm nor doing it on purpose, etc. I would be genuinely surprised to find anyone who wants to hear you ramble on in your own defense over a simple verbal misstep.

If you know someone who uses unconventional neopronouns, try practicing speaking those pronouns on your own time. Trust me when I say that whoever you're talking about will appreciate hearing you pronounce those pronouns correctly.

If you are talking about a transgender or nonbinary person who is not present, try explaining that person's pronouns on their behalf. Chances are that they get tired having to reexplain their pronouns over and over again. If someone is still closeted, but has told you their pronouns or other information regarding being transgender, do not tell other people personal information about their gender, as this can put that person in danger. The only time where it is acceptable to misgender someone is if it is for that person's personal safety. Regardless, avoid introducing anyone using phrases such as "she uses they/them pronouns."

If you encounter someone who does actually use a multi-pronoun set (such as he/it/xe or she/they) then alternate between the different sets of pronouns while referring to that person. You can just pick one of the pronoun sets and only use that set of pronouns to refer to that person, but there is a high chance that that person is used to only hearing one set. Try switching it up when talking to and about that person. There isn't an exact science when it comes to this sort of thing. If you find yourself using one set too often, thrown in another set. Try to use more than one set of pronouns in a sentence if possible. Your efforts will be appreciated.

If you encounter someone who uses any/all pronouns, this rarely means that that person's pronouns are literally "any" and "all." Any/all means that that person uses any and all pronouns without a preference for a particular set. Switch up the pronouns that you use to refer to that person at random, and avoid sticking to one set of pronouns.

If you don't know someone's pronouns, either use they/them until you are corrected, or simply ask. If you know someone's correct pronouns, and those pronouns do not include they/them, it is misgendering to continue using they/them to refer to that person.

Parents

Use the pronouns that your child wishes that you use for them. Practice saying sentences when you are able to. Think about different contexts in which you use gendered words. Think about how you would rephrase them to better suit your transgender child.

If you claim that this is "too hard" because you are just "used to the old pronouns" then you are telling your child that they are not worth the effort of being respected as a human being. If that's the message you're insisted on telling, then fine. Just know that that is what you're doing.

Supportive Parent Resources

Gender Mom: 06/30/2015: THE FACTS (about transgender kids)
Mermaids UK - How Do I Best Support My Transgender Child?
Office of Population Affairs - Gender-Affirming Care and Young People
TransFamilySOS - guide transgender/non-binary youth and their families through the gender transitioning process to help make it the most positive experience possible
Yellow Brick Program: 06/30/2016: What You Need to Know About Parenting a Transgender Child

United States-Based Resources

PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Additional Resources

Reddit - r/AskTransgender
Reddit - r/Ask_Transgender
Reddit - r/CisParentTransKid
Reddit - r/MyPartnerIsTrans
Reddit - r/TransSpace
Trans Language Primer - Ally
Transgender Teen Survival Guide - Ally Resources