“Well,” remarked The Cat happily, “All in All, 100% successful trip.”
“But sir,” Kryten cried out, “We lost Mr. Rimmer.”
“Like I said, all -”
“Oh, shut up, Cat.” Lister interrupted him. “Now plot a course back to the starship.”
“But -”
>“Now.” Lister was annoyed. He hated Rimmer just as much as the rest of them, but they couldn’t just leave him behind. Things got boring without him.
The Cat pressed a few buttons, and jerked on the wheel, and Starbug turned around and headed back towards the crashed ship they’ed been searching through.
“How did you learn how to drive Starbug?” Lister asked The Cat, wondering.
“Hey, buddy. You’re making me do something that I don’t wanna do. Don’t make me have to talk to you as well..” The Cat resumed checking the screens, “Hey, Ice-cube Head.” he called to Kryten.
“Yes, sir.” the android responded.
“Can you check the long-range scanners? I think i’m picking something up.” the Cat said, sniffing the air.
“It’s the that planetoid and starship.” Lister pointed out the window at the approaching mass, “We were the there earlier, remember?”
The Cat sniffed, realizing that Lister was right. “No,” he said, trying to cover up for his blunder, “There’s something else.”
“There’s nothing on the scanners.” Remarked Kryten, who had already figured out that The Cat was making it up.
Come, on Cat. Just land already.“ Lister complained.
“Fine.” The Cat navigated the ship and it docked onto the crashed starship below. When they emerged on the ship the hard-light hologram, Arnold Rimmer was waiting there for them, mad with his arms crossed.
“Why do you guys keep leaving me places?” he complained, “Are you all trying to get rid of me, or something?”
“Yes, we are.” remarked the Cat.
“Cat, why do you have a bazookoid?” Lister asked, looking pointedly at the large gun the Cat was carrying.
“Just in case we encounter any unknown organisms.” the Cat responded.
“But we already scoped out the place before.” said Kryten, quizzically. “Perhaps when you banged your head on the ceiling earlier, it did something to your short-term memory?”
“Can all of you stop blathering about the stupid cat and listen to me?” rimmer was angry. First, the idiots left him behind - AGAIN - and now, they were ignoring him again.
“Ok, Rimmer,”Lister said, “what were you saying?”
“I, said, I found something when you guys tried to head back to Red Dwarf without me.” Rimmer told them, “Follow me.”
Rimmer led them to a lab on the ship where there was a strange object on the desk.
“It looks familiar,” Kryten remarked, examining the object. “It looks a bit like a wormhole stimulator.
“A wormhole stimulation?” Lister asked.
“Yes, a wormhole stimulator.” Kryten searched through his data banks. ”The experiment was in process on Io, just before I left the solar system.”
I think I heard about it.” Lister remarked. “Some scientist was trying to get funding for it. So, I guess this means he got it?”
“I recognized it from a section of the Astro-navigation test.” said Rimmer.
“Hold on a second,” said the Cats, barely following the conversation, “Isn’t that the test you keep failing?”
“I’ve only failed it 15 time,” Rimmer complained in an attempt to defend himself.
“Guys, Could you two not argue for more that ten seconds?” Lister pushed the Cat and hologram apart.
“Oh, Smeg off.” Rimmer exited the room and went back to StarBug and waited for the others to join him.
“Glad he’s gone.” the Cat remarked happily. “Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going back to wait in the ship.” The Cat walked off.
LIster groaned, then turned back to Kryten, “Krytey, do you think you could get this thing working?”
“If it’s operational, then yes, probably.” though, his primary purpose was to be a sanitation droid, Kryten had vast knowledge of complicated technology.
“If you could get it working, could we use it to get back to Earth?” Lister asked, hopeful.
“Probably, Yes.” said Kryten.
“Yes!” Lister cheered and punched the air. “Finally.” then he stopped. How long do you think that it would take you?”
“A few days.” he said. “I would need to take some of the tools here, and use some of the technology on Red Dwarf though.”
“Well let's get back, then.” Lister was excited, hopeful that this device was what would bring them back, and hopefully not fail, like all the previous attempts had.
Kryten, gathered an armful of various complicated-looking tools from around the room, and the two of them headed back to the bickering Cat and Rimmer on Starbug.
They broke the two up, and headed off to Red Dwarf
Krtyen gathered everyone in the science lab. He had finally figured out the controls on the device.
“There’s no way that that’s going to work.” said Holly, the ship’s computer.
“You’re just still mad that your ‘Hop Drive’ didn’t work, aren’t you?” asked Rimmer, remembering the disaster of a parallel universe that they had encountered. He’d the whole time trying to hid from his opposite.
“But it did work!” Holly argued.
“No, it didn’t.” stated Rimmer.
“Well, maybe it didn’t work.” Holly reluctantly agreed, “Not in the way it was supposed to, but it did work.”
“Ok, Kryten,” Lister grabbed the mechanoid’s shoulders, “Can this thing get just back to Earth?”
“If my calculations are correct, yes.” Kryten said, confidently.
“Lister dropped his hands and did a little victory dance. “Yes! We’re gonna get back to Earth! Yes!”
“What if his calculations aren’t correct?” Rimmer asked. Everyone ignored him. “What’ll happen if they aren’t correct?”
“Lister, I have a question.” the Cat stated.
“Yes, Cat?”
“I’ve never been to Earth, but i know you used to , right?”
“Yes, Cat.” said Lister, wondering where this was going.
“Will there be lady cats waiting for me there?”
“Of course, Cat.” said Lister - barely containing his laughter.
“Back to the subject on hand.” Rimmer said, mad that no one was listening to him, “What if it doesn’t work?”
“We’ll all die.” Kryten said in a monotone.
“How?” asked the Cat, worrying about his suits.]
“Any number of ways.” Kryten continued, “We could all suffocate. Be hypercondensed, or possibly blasted to smithereens.”
“Are you sure your calculations are correct?” asked Holly.
“I’m 80% positive that they are.” he stated.
“Let's do it then.” said Lister.
“Of course, sir.” Kryten activated the wormhole stimulator before anyone could complain.
The Doctor was trying to show Donna how to fly the T.A.R.D.I.S.
Donna reached for a control, and The Doctor grabbed her hand back yelling, “Nonononononononono!”
“What? Oh, let me guess, that button transports us directly into the nearest Black Hole?” Donna asked sarcastically.
“Yes, it does actually.” he answered, confused.
“Why is there a control for that?”
“I don’t know.” he said.
Suddenly, there was a beeping, some kind of an alarm.
“What’s that?” Donna asked.
“It means we’re receiving a distress signal.”
“Who from?”
“Hang on.” The Doctor pulled down the monitor from the top of the council, and pressed a few buttons. As the staticy image of Holly appeared, Donna wondered what was written on the sticky notes that framed the screen, as they were written in Gallifreyan, an ancient language that the T.A.R.D.I.S. didn’t translate.
“This is an SOS distress signal from the mining ship Red Dwarf. The crew is dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivor was Dave Lister who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his cat, who was safely sealed in the hold. When he was revived, three million years later, Lister’s only companions are, a hologram of his dead bunkmate, Arnold Rimmer, and a creature who evolved from his cat. I am Holly, This Ship’s computer, and we are seeking assistance.” Holly had left the distress signal going, even when they had been transported to another universe.
“Are we going to respond?” asked Donna.
“Of course we are.” The Doctor twisted around a few controls, and they held onto the counsel as the ship took off across space.
There was a flash of light, and everyone was jerked around the science lab. When the ship stabilized, the Cat was curled up in the corner, muttering about his hair. Something happened in the HoloLab, and Rimmer was in the room that he shared with Lister. Lister had a few bruises, and Kryten has a few dents here and there, but otherwise, everyone was fine.
“Is everyone ok?” Lister asked.
“My hair.” The Cat wailed.
“Ok, he’s fine.” Lister determined. “Kryten?”
“All functions are operational, sir.” he said, “But where’s Rimmer?”
“Who cares?” Lister turned to Holly, “Hol, did it work?
“We are still in deep space,” Holly remarked, checking the scanners, “But it appears we are no longer in our universe.”
“Not again!” Lister groaned, devastated.
Rimmer entered back into the science lab. “I don’t know what just happened, but I’m assuming that little experiment was a bust.
“Yeah,” Lister sat down, disappointed.
There was a whooshing sound, and suddenly, a Police Call Box materialized in the corner of the room.
The Doctor open the door, stepped out and said, “Hello, there. I’m the Doctor.
